At the start of a new year, I thought about making a bucket list. That seems to be a popular thing to do lately, but I want to take a different approach and make a list of things that will not ever, ever make it onto my bucket list. Things I never want to do are listed here for your consideration. Feel free to add them to your “not on my bucket list list.”
1. Stand in a bull ring and swirl a cape around for the bull. I think it is highly illogical to want to taunt something bigger, stronger, and meaner than I am. So, no bull fighting.
2. Ride a bull in a rodeo. Let me say right here and now that bull riding ranks up there with bull fighting. The only difference is that in bull fighting the object is to stay away from the animal, but in bull riding, you want to stay pretty darn close to the animal lest you get trampled.
3. Experience a tax audit. I’m not in love with the I.R.S., and, like taunting bulls, thumbing your nose at those guys (and gals) seems to be a foolhardy thing to do.
4. Visit a nudist colony. When i was younger and looked better in my skin, this was definitely on my bucket list. But, alas, I’ve grown older and saggier, and I’ve no reason to look at other old, saggy people who are hiding their private parts under layers of fat and wrinkled skin.
5. Spend the night in jail. This would have never made it on my bucket list. At least on purpose. Now I prefer my own bed to one provided by the keepers of the peace.
6. Apprentice as a snake charmer. Are you kidding? I might be a little off in the head, but I ain’t crazy.
7. Visit the North or South Pole. Listen, I’m southern born and southern raised. I’m not a fan of absolute zero or freezing my a__ off.
8. Work in a canning factory. I had a roommate in college who worked summers in a canning factory. I don’t know what the problem was, but he refused to eat green peas. I never asked why, because I didn’t really want to know.
9. Work in a meat packing house. It would probably make me a vegetarian, and right now I do like a good steak now and then.
10. Never complete my real bucket list. Because, you know, once that’s done, it’s probably time to kick the thing.